In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that there are students in McNair who are not socially aware. And I said that I was okay with that, I could deal with it on some level in the classroom. Everyone did not grow up the same or have the same social networks or the same everyday education. But I don't know if I can tolerate it on a Saturday, when I'm trying to relax during my one-hour lunch break from studying, having stayed up until 2am the night before reading.
There is this one male whose politics I first wondered about when he explained that he was interested in studying something Eurocentric. (I am purposely being ambiguous.) Even then, I was fine with that, even a little. However, he continues to make sexist and racist comments. The problem is, I don't think he even knows he is doing so and thinks its an interesting story to tell us.
He will usually begin, "You know the weird thing that I've observed..." or whatnot. Today he started comparing American and Mexican women. He explained that the girls in Mexico were "easy" to impress because all he had to do was tell them that he was U.S. educated. I wanted to vomit my lunch in his face. Yes, he was sitting right across from me. I just didn't talk to him and started talking to someone else next to me. There are other students who try to say things right away, which is good. Every time he opens his mouth he says ridiculous things that women keep correcting him for. Well of course they are going to like you because you say you are Mexican-American. They associate America with whiteness, and whiteness with wealth and wealth with happiness.
This is one of the reasons, not the reason, but one of the ones why I get upset when people assume how people self-identify. Simply because a person is of a specific race/gender/class etc. does not mean that they identify as such or have the politics of such or even can be an ally or relate.
k, time for me to finish my reading.
Saturday, June 30
Thursday, June 28
negotiating dialogue
Right now I've been at the McNair Scholars program at CGU for almost two weeks now. It's been quite stressful doing so, but it's what I expected. I think the same with Breakthrough. Because I expected BT to be tough, when the bad came, I dealt with it. I am hoping the same goes for McNair. It's awkward explaining what McNair is to people who have not heard of it before, and it's a different type of awkward depending on who I am speaking to. If I speak to someone who I rarely speak with about race and that sort of things, then I'll say in general that it's a program to help me get into graduate school. Again, depending on the person I might elaborate and go a step further. I'll add that it is supposed to help first-generation and working-class students (despite the fact that I don't fit into either of these categories.) As you can see, no race mentioned yet. The third layer is the word "underrepresented," which I will emphasize in quotation marks, even if I am comfortable speaking to them about race/ethnicity politics. I find the word a bit problematic because its difficult to assess who gets to determine what "underrepresented" means and even while applying, I was unsure if they would accept me. I was unsure if if I fit the term. But even then, I feel like people might not understand or are a bit confused as to what it is. So in general, I try to keep it to: it prepares me to get a PhD graduate school.
I applied for the program, not thinking about how this program is a method of tracking but only after I had accepted the offer did I realize this. Today in our race/class/gender class I was reminded of this. It's difficult for me, who such opposes tracking in public education to be a part of a program like this as it compromises my principals. And it's not like I don't see the reasons why I'm against because I do. I see it when I talk to my friends, most of whom are working-class and people of color and say: graduate, school whaaa? Simply by doing this program I am more likely to get into graduate school even though I might be in the same social position as them. I'm given an advantage through this form of a bandage, while plenty of my friends may likely not think twice about applying to graduate school. And yes, all this despite the fact that I go to Pomona because simply attending the school does not mean that you will do the same things that the typical Pomona grad will do as a person of color.
I also think this program is humbling as I realize and remember how different attending Pomona is to other schools. We get so many benefits such as a chance to work closely with professors, along with our small classroom sizes. On the other hand, some of these students in McNair are used to interacting with other students of color all the time at their home institutions. For Claremont College students in McNair its the opposite. Some of us are ecstatic at the fact that we will not be the only self-identifying (insert race/ethnicity) in a classroom. Today was an example of that. While in some of my Chicana/o studies classes at Pomona, you see more students of color than you would, in per se an Econ class, the class remains to be filled with many white students. And if not necessarily numerically present, they are vocally.
McNair is a chance for me to be in a class with majority students of color in the classroom, many of which know their shit! It's exciting. I think last year, I would have been upset at the students of color who either did not self-identify or who believed in capitalism/assimilation/color-blindness. I mean, I was! There are a lot of students in this class and its the first time they are in a classroom where race/class/gender is put in the forefront. It's interesting but also a weird experience for me. I have to remember that simply because I talk about this stuff every day, it doesn't mean that I know more. I may know some theory and vocabulary but I definitely don't think that I know more, or gosh even try to teach them. When I think of students trying to "teach" other students, I find it to be ridiculous/oppressive. I hate the idea of teaching. It hurts. But anyways... It's a setting where I am finally able to place all students on an equal level. And that's a first. Usually I think the other students know 10x more than me, or in race/class/gender classes I know more than them. I think I'm in the mindset now to hopefully implement my own daily critical pedagogy. woot woot.
But also despite all this fun talking about race/class/gender with people of color in a classroom, the course work is a lot. I'm trying to manage and find support in various ways, primarily through friends on campus. It's a taste of graduate school, one McNair scholar told us, where we have to learn to decide who we want to spend our time with and who we think is going to support us during this time.
I applied for the program, not thinking about how this program is a method of tracking but only after I had accepted the offer did I realize this. Today in our race/class/gender class I was reminded of this. It's difficult for me, who such opposes tracking in public education to be a part of a program like this as it compromises my principals. And it's not like I don't see the reasons why I'm against because I do. I see it when I talk to my friends, most of whom are working-class and people of color and say: graduate, school whaaa? Simply by doing this program I am more likely to get into graduate school even though I might be in the same social position as them. I'm given an advantage through this form of a bandage, while plenty of my friends may likely not think twice about applying to graduate school. And yes, all this despite the fact that I go to Pomona because simply attending the school does not mean that you will do the same things that the typical Pomona grad will do as a person of color.
I also think this program is humbling as I realize and remember how different attending Pomona is to other schools. We get so many benefits such as a chance to work closely with professors, along with our small classroom sizes. On the other hand, some of these students in McNair are used to interacting with other students of color all the time at their home institutions. For Claremont College students in McNair its the opposite. Some of us are ecstatic at the fact that we will not be the only self-identifying (insert race/ethnicity) in a classroom. Today was an example of that. While in some of my Chicana/o studies classes at Pomona, you see more students of color than you would, in per se an Econ class, the class remains to be filled with many white students. And if not necessarily numerically present, they are vocally.
McNair is a chance for me to be in a class with majority students of color in the classroom, many of which know their shit! It's exciting. I think last year, I would have been upset at the students of color who either did not self-identify or who believed in capitalism/assimilation/color-blindness. I mean, I was! There are a lot of students in this class and its the first time they are in a classroom where race/class/gender is put in the forefront. It's interesting but also a weird experience for me. I have to remember that simply because I talk about this stuff every day, it doesn't mean that I know more. I may know some theory and vocabulary but I definitely don't think that I know more, or gosh even try to teach them. When I think of students trying to "teach" other students, I find it to be ridiculous/oppressive. I hate the idea of teaching. It hurts. But anyways... It's a setting where I am finally able to place all students on an equal level. And that's a first. Usually I think the other students know 10x more than me, or in race/class/gender classes I know more than them. I think I'm in the mindset now to hopefully implement my own daily critical pedagogy. woot woot.
But also despite all this fun talking about race/class/gender with people of color in a classroom, the course work is a lot. I'm trying to manage and find support in various ways, primarily through friends on campus. It's a taste of graduate school, one McNair scholar told us, where we have to learn to decide who we want to spend our time with and who we think is going to support us during this time.
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