i think this post is going to be all over the place, so bear with me....

I am actually quite surprised at how I am handling things. I think it could be worse. I am wondering why I don't want to go to my room and cry at the end of the day. Why does Pomona make me feel like this? So I think - what's different? Why is it that if someone makes me upset with their intolerance, or I feel stressed out from work or family, I can calm myself down and just focus on my work? (Except for, of course now - I should totally be reading.) Hm. I have classes, I also have a job. I don't have that now. I'm also involved in organizations on campus, which I'm free of now. Hm, is this what it's like to be a regular student? Yes, I keep wondering these things...

I think I wrote about this before. But there is a particular male in the program who I cannot bear to be near anymore. I am trying to hide my total disgust whenever I see him. Today was the first day I avoided eating meals with him. Today I sat at the opposite end of the table at lunch, and at dinner, I sat at a different table. It was... relaxing. (Except for the 300 teenagers running around.) I tried to be okay with the fact that he was not socially aware - that's what I told myself. It's okay. But he is downright racist, sexist, etc. I feel like I need to be prepared to go into battle whenever I see him and I am worried that one day I am going to snap due to my prolonged silence. I have learned to pick and choose my battles, but my silence is not justified. I am not exaggerating when I say that every time I have a meal with him, he never fails to make a prejudice comment. But again, I don't let it get to me and I wonder why? Am I jaded? Have I just written him off? Am I simply saying, it's only a six week program? Or is it because I feel the support of the other people in the program, knowing that they understand that his comments are ignorant. I don't know. It's odd. And it's not something good.

Another random thought.... so I am reading Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins for one of my McNair courses. I have only read a little bit but I feel like this is a book I will eventually love... However, reading one section about creating a safe space for Black women made me think about some things of inclusion and exclusion. Collins discusses how people argue that these types of groups are viewed separatists and excluding. I think that she fails to mention whose these comments are coming from.. (or maybe she does mention?).. but primarily Black men and White women. I agree with the idea of creating a safe space, especially for such groups as Black women whose voices are often silenced in more inclusive groups such as those for Blacks, or Women. The problem that I have with this... is well I did an interview for my methods course on mixed race activists and institutional and social support for students at a *cough* private liberal arts college. I only interviewed one person, but now I am thinking about a lot of things. (Secret to my research: helps me analyze my own life hahahaha...) Although institutional spaces may be created for marginalized groups, these groups must take into careful consideration who they are excluding when they do so. I think that the most prevalent thought is that the dominant groups are being excluded: whites and men. But there is an assumption that all the self-identified Black women in the group have similar experiences, and I believe in that respect it is exclusive to those marginalized Black women in the group.

The reason I pose this is that (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm still processing) but there is an assumed identity in these groups that excludes those who do not fit into this particular identity. I have an example, of an organization. The purpose of this organization, as was interpreted by me when I first joined it my first year in college was that it was a place for Latina/o activists to come together for social justice in their community. uh yeah. Anyways, just so that you knew what the org was about. I left this organization after a year and half because I felt that as a mixed race woman of color I was being scrutinized and ridiculed. (Basically I was viewed as an angry woman of color.) I was especially so because I had opinions that differed from the other students, particularly an older male Mexican member. So after I had left the organization, I had heard from a member that one meeting was held entirely in Spanish. I wanted to cry when I found out... I don't really feel the need to explain why... but yeah. So that's why I put into question or caution these supposed "safe spaces," as they may be doing exactly what they are trying to fight.

I've sort of come to the conclusion that I am going to apply for my PhD (only cause of this experience in McNair -it's amazing!) but it kind of worries me. That when other historically marginalized people are trying to make spaces, I look at these - what other people would deem insignificant details - in other people's larger pictures....

Also this summer I have been questioning my role on campus in activism. Specifically for next year. I have signed up to work as an intern at Pomona's resource center for Asian Americans. I keep doubting my reasons or wondering if it's a place where I will belong or questioning if I should work there. Crazy huh? I think the reason I wanted to work there is because I felt it was the one place where I would feel validated in my activism... I just have this weird feeling... If anything, I decided that by the time I get back to the fall I will need to have specific goals of my activism there otherwise, it will not work.

yes, my thoughts feel scattered.