Super. long. post.

2007 has decided to fuck me over. Ever since February I've been in this state of fucked over-ness that doesn't go away. When something good happens, something worse takes over my life. People say, yes, you are in college. You are supposed to feel this way.

After last semester ended, I was pretty optimistic about this fall. I would start anew and just have a much semester. I told myself, that things couldn't get worse but they did. It wasn't academics or friends (yet) it was purely my family situation at the end of summer. Then it became the stress of finishing academics and trying to do well and the stress of a McNair conference in Maryland. But the worst of all, I think what prevents me from keeping going is my support. I do have some amazing friends, which sucks because all I do is think about my friends who aren't. Who aren't supporting me.

I am trying to analyze my life. Figure out what's going on in my head. I feel like some of my friends and I got along when we were first-years because we had immature relationships, not real friendships. And I realized this last semester, but thought that if I had talked to them about it, things would change. But my life's fucked up and they act as if my life and their life is great.

It's okay for you to smile in front of me. I don't want you to see me and think there is this huge cloud over my head, that if you say the wrong thing, it'll start pouring. But you know it's not sunny above my head and you never ask me how that's going.

I'm also pissed off at people who I put efforts into friendships with but never give back. Or are putting efforts into brand new friendships because maybe they realize being my friend is too difficult? Well, I apologize if I don't tolerate your racist comments, and make you, a person of color understand, that yes, you are actually harming people in your own fucking community by being exclusive and yes, oppressive.

I think I'm actually sad that a lot of people graduated than I thought it would be. At API commencement in may, my professor came up to me and told me that I was brave for everything that I had gone through that semester. I wanted to cry in front of her but I held it in until I got to my room. And I thought that it was so meaningful that she told me, in that space, where what helped get me through were my wonderful API mentors and friends.

this post doesn't make any sense. is random. and just makes me sound like a crazy person.