the last train

Public transportation gets to me. It's something about being in something, seated yet moving. I'm listening to my music via my ipod and then I look outside and I see the city. It also has to do with the fact that I'm alone as well. That's why I think it's better whenever I am emotional that I am around people. That way, I won't cry. I'll hold it in. Then the moment I'm alone, I let myself feel all the shit and I just start crying.

This is what happened when I left Breakthrough last summer, my teaching internship in Long Island. It was so hard for me to leave, and when I was in the car with the director, I kept my tears in, fighting them. I got out of the car, hugged her and was in the airport for about four hours (that was the day there were terrorist attacks in London and my flight was delayed) crying. I did not care at all about the possible threat of the plane crashing, or some terrorist, I was a mess at the JFK airport and while sitting in the plane. I didn't hold it back, I did not care that I was around strangers. I just listened to my music and cried. The people next to me were probably wondering, (I was 19) why is this 14 year-old crying so much, is she sad to be by herself?

So the reason I mention that is because sometimes, when I am in public transportation by myself in my long commute to the high school I'm researching or coming back, I feel so emotionally exhausted and frustrated that I just start crying on the train. It happened to me on the way to work on Monday. I actually could not stop crying and I thought that I would have to explain why my eyes were so puffy to my fellow researchers. Good thing my waterworks did not leave a clear mark on my face.

Part of the reason is going to these schools, a school not that different from the one I attended and seeing things in a whole different light. Oh actually it's pretty fucked up whenever "A" students are always in the lime light and students tell us that live a color blind life because that is what is being fed to them by their teachers.

However, I think the harder thing for me is that I sought out the Latina/o organization at the school. I heard about some students talking about during a period where I and another researcher were passing time before our next meeting. We then got invited to a dinner with the students, to which I couldn't attend because that was the same night as the Arcade Fire concert. I then got upset that I wasn't interviewing any of the members in the club, until finally after several interviews I got one! I was so excited to interview her. But then when I did, I realized that she had been experiencing the same things that I had this semester. She was being silenced as a younger student and female in the organization, while the older male was taking all the credit. lskfj;safjaa!!

I realize that even though I purposely took myself out of the Latina/o organization I was involved with at Pomona, I can't escape it. I wanted to stop the interview and tell that girl my whole last semester. But. I. Couldn't.

One of the other researchers, who I recently got to know, A.N. started talking to me about the organization from Pomona. I don't think she knew I had been so heavily involved in it last year. I really want to tell her all about it. I still do! However, I am 1) don't want to be a gossiper and spreading uh, truths about other people and 2) I'm so exhausted from telling the story. Before it was therapeutic to do so but not anymore. I don't want to tell the story anymore. So A.N. and I were talking today after we went to the school's graduation. I think she was being nice and waiting for me, as my dad was coming to be picking me up. I think I definitely would have cried hope were not for my dad being there on my ride home. A.N. was telling me about how she was considering to join the Latina/o organization but she was worried because she didn't think it was going to be an accepting place. I kept giving her little snippets of my experience, but I was walking around it and I told her, I wish I could tell you about it, but I can't! Maybe later. She asked me why but I couldn't tell her. I can't tell her because the other researcher is involved in the situation which made me leave the organization and I don't want to spread rumors. ugh.

We'll see. I hope one day I can tell her my story.